In my early to mid 30’s I went through what I refer to as my mid-life crisis, I got divorced, struggled with addiction, and let a lot of negative people and negativity in general into my energy and space, in the hopes of finding/being truly loved (out of desperation). I found out my son had Chondroblastoma tumors, I was trying to help my mom who is battling cancer and basically lost myself in the pain stemming from the divorce I got from my best friend, lover, father of my children, my husband of 17 years. He was living a double life where he was struggling with addictions, and having an affair with my supervisor/best friend outside my marriage. It was like mourning the death of someone who was still alive, crazy right? He left not only me; he left our 3 children as well, and never looked back. It was a total shock in every sense. I was sort of left there standing, wondering what just happened like some sort of awkward comedy. It all happened so fast. I could hardly hold myself together let alone for 3 children, yet I had no choice.
Faith shines brighter in the dark
My mom has always told me faith shines brighter in the dark, and I was about to find out for myself. After the shock initially wore off, which did not happen overnight I must say, it took quite a while to come to terms with the fact that he was just gone, out of our lives after all those years, just gone. I started to realize how strong I was and saw all the challenges I was overcoming and the challenges I had already overcome. Not only did I lose my husband, best friend, and father of my children, I also lost my best friend outside the marriage, as she was having an affair with my husband. Dealing with the constant fear that my son's tumors were going to cut his life short, and constantly trying to appear to be okay for my kids, being now their only parent (now having my own addiction to feed) and doing it all alone at that. I am not the kind of person to ask for help, so I kept all my pain and struggles between me and God. I somehow even managed to keep a severe addiction under wraps because I knew that failing was not an option, no one was coming to rescue me or replace me. Then I started to realize that even after all this, I was still standing! Maybe not straight, yet I was still standing, and it actually kind of amazed me.
The obstacles were necessary
When I started to realize that I was capable of surviving this, things began to get a little easier, NOT EASY, just easier. I started to strengthen my relationship with God, Spirit, Source, or whatever you choose to call it. And that is what led me to where I am now, if you would have told me then that I would go on to attend college and open my own business, I would have cracked up laughing. There is no way I would have believed that not for a second. I realized up until this point I was only existing, however, I realized I was capable of so much more. I did have dreams and passions I wanted to explore, and now I knew that I could do that if I wanted to, for the first time, I was starting to see things from a different perspective. If all these obstacles had not been put in my way, I would never have known what I was capable of, I was becoming thankful for the struggles I had experienced.
Trust in God's timing
If I would have been presented with the opportunity to attend school and start a business back then, I don't think I would have taken it. If I had, I definitely would have sabotaged it or ruined the opportunity because I was not ready, and God knew that. I had a lot to learn before I could understand what it would take to go on that journey. So all those obstacles that were put in my way I am grateful for, each of us has the ability to use these situations and trials as roadblocks or stepping stones and once you learn how to accept the lessons and be grateful for them, you can use them to get to higher ground or to get on your true path. That is something that I truly believe wholeheartedly. I know some struggles are much worse; you just have to realize there was something positive to come from it even if it's hard to see or accept. You are not being punished, you are being pushed to seek God, and God does not make mistakes. He knows when we are ready and when we are not, just like as parents we know our 10-year-old is not ready to date, wear makeup, or drive a car, you just have to trust God's Timing.
Letting go of what no longer serves you
So learning to make peace with the past, forgive and accept the lessons we are given, and learn from them is the ultimate goal, and I know it's not always easy to do and you have to go through your process of accepting and moving on. In my case, it took several years, there's no time limit, and it will be different for each of us, however, I truly think learning and growing spiritually are the goals, and then making peace with the past and setting it free is a great way to look forward to the future. You will never forget, yet you have to move on. And through all of this (the entire process) I have also learned what I will and will not accept in terms of what I tolerate and how people treat me. I used to put up with so much for so little in return, and I have so much more respect for myself these days. I have become better at setting boundaries and following my intuition, and for that, I am forever grateful. You can make it through whatever you have to; you are stronger than you think.
