Forgiveness
For centuries this word has been touted as a nonnegotiable for the betterment of society and the individual. The problem is, although most of us know that forgiveness is a necessity if we want to live a life free from anger and resentment, many of us struggle with understanding exactly what forgiveness means or how to achieve it. After all, forgiveness is merely a blanket term… Used to describe what people should do when faced with the pain of hurt or betrayal. Unfortunately, religious texts and enlightened spiritual leaders frequently fail to describe precisely what forgiveness is, why we should do it, or how it can be attained. With the aim of bridging these gaps, I’ll attempt to answer these questions throughout the course of this blog. Before we get to those answers, let’s first talk a little bit about what forgiveness is not and what it does not do.
What forgiveness is not:
Forgiving is not forgetting.
DON’T THINK ABOUT A RED CAR. Did you think about the red car? If you’re human, probably so. As a safety mechanism, the human brain is wired to remember emotional and physical trauma to prevent us from becoming hurt again. Especially if we find ourselves in a similar situation that led to the initial trauma. Thus, it goes against our very nature to easily forget an injustice that was done to us. Especially if we are being told we need to “just forget about it.” Moreover, our brains will often switch into overdrive and start obsessing over a past memory if we instruct ourselves to never think about it again. So, when you do choose to forgive, understand that there might be times when a present event triggers ruminations about your past trauma. As time goes on and you stay in the practice of forgiveness, the triggers will become milder and come less often.
Forgiveness is not trust.
As the old saying goes, “Trust is earned in droplets and lost in buckets.” Henceforth, choosing to forgive someone does not signify that trust is automatically restored or that it will ever be fully restored. After you forgive someone who betrayed you, you might find yourself unable to fully trust them as you once did before the betrayal. This is normal. Contrary to popular belief, trust should not be given away immediately. Instead, trust starts as a small seed, and if it’s cared for properly, it flourishes over time. On the other hand, if trust is broken, the relationship will stall or completely crumble apart. Nevertheless, even if trust has been broken, small steps can be made to repair the damage with consistency and time.
Forgiveness does not require keeping your offender in your life.
I’ll say it again… You do not have to keep someone in your life that hurt you solely because you choose to forgive them. If that person is not adding any value to your life or continues their offenses, then it’s not your responsibility to keep them in your life. It’s well within your individual rights to let people go that are not serving you well.
Forgiving someone once does not mean you won’t have to do it again.
We’ve all been there. We’ve said we’ve forgiven someone yet inevitably our emotions get triggered, and those all too familiar feelings of anger, revenge, and resentment come boiling to the surface. During those discouraging moments, it’s ok to feel those emotions. Forgiveness is a practice, so you might have to keep choosing to forgive time and time again.
Forgiving your offender doesn’t always lead to them changing or doing as you expect.
Have ZERO expectations; or at least, keep them very low. Unfortunately, the blood, sweat and tears you pour into forgiving your offender don’t always correlate to the change you want to see in them or expect from them. Forgiveness does potentially allow for your offender to be set free from the shame of their mistakes, which could foster a spirit of change within them. However, as much as you might want them to walk through the narrow door of transformation you painstakingly opened for them that decision is ultimately up to them to make.
Forgiveness is not grieving.
Grief is suffering the loss of something or someone that is important to us. Choosing to forgive someone does not mean feelings of grief won’t be present during or after the healing process. There are 5 stages of grief: Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. All 5 stages might be present when we are trying to forgive our offenders, or they might become interwoven with each other at different intervals. When you are in the midst of trying to forgive someone, remember that feelings of grief will accompany the resistance to forgiveness.
Choosing forgiveness does not mean your offender will ever fully understand how they made you feel.
Whether you believe in the Christian God or not, there is a verse in the Bible that holds a heavy truth: As Jesus hung helplessly on the cross after being persecuted, he looked into the heavens before his death and said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” When we have been betrayed, it’s easy to want revenge or feel bitter. Our bitterness may even come in the form of vengeful thoughts… We want our offender to pay for their transgressions and feel the pain we feel. So, we shame them for their wrongdoings and condemn them for causing us pain. After all, they’ll never fully understand the pain they’ve caused. However, forgiveness doesn’t require an eye for an eye.
Forgiving someone does not make you weak or a fool.
Often, the greater the offense (in our eyes), the larger the grudge we hold. Sometimes, the mere thought of forgiving someone makes us feel unsafe, vulnerable, or weak. We use our resentments as an emotional shield and sword to protect us from further damage or from feeling like a fool. The problem with this line of defense is that over time, our shield and sword also begin to weigh us down. The unbearable burden of our grudges coupled with our heavy, protective armor, drag us to the ground in cynical contempt; eventually, causing us to become buried in bitterness and resentment. However, forgiveness is a powerful antidote to our suffering. It’s so powerful, that it seeps into the people around us and effectively stops the collective bleeding of our societies.
Now that we’ve covered what forgiveness is not, let’s unravel what forgiveness is or what it might look like…
Forgiveness defines itself uniquely to the individual. To one person, forgiveness might look like choosing to show compassion to an individual that made a poor decision. To another person, forgiveness might call upon the offended to actively choose to stop anguishing in endless spirals of cynicism and resentment. Ultimately, “letting go of the offense.” For all intents and purposes, I’ll attempt to define forgiveness in a generic and justifiable manner.
Forgiveness is the process in which a person who suffered an injustice chooses to show compassion for the individual who caused the injustice. The person suffering the injustice shows compassion to their offender with the intention of reclaiming their internal peace instead of inhabiting poisonous spirits of bitterness and resentment. A person who forgives understands that humans are flawed individuals by design; hurting other people because they have also been hurt. Therefore, they reject their primal impulse for revenge. A person that forgives understands that extending forgiveness to their friends and enemies stops the seemingly endless cycle of hurt and betrayal emerging throughout the human experience, giving the offender and the offended the opportunity to learn to live in accordance with their higher self.
So, how do YOU get to a place of forgiveness?
Here are some useful tools that may help you move further away from a resentful spirit and closer toward forgiveness and inner peace:
Give yourself some grace.
You are not a robot. You are a human being with feelings and emotions. It’s ok to feel like you are drowning in the pain that someone else’s poor choices inflicted upon you (intentionally or not). So please, don’t put so much pressure on yourself to forgive quickly or to forgive in the “right ways.” Forgiveness is an ever-evolving process, so be kind to yourself during your journey as it could take years for you to feel fully at peace.
Don’t force your forgiveness.
I’m sure you’ve heard it before… Someone betrays you, and from the woodwork come all the people telling you that you should forgive the offender as soon as possible. “You have to forgive,” they cry! As you roll your eyes while digging your heels further into the dirt. Forcing yourself to forgive someone because of outside pressures will only hinder you from willingly entering forgiveness on your own. You might even find yourself rebelling against the mere idea of forgiveness. Enter on your own terms. Actively pursuing the greater good.
Speak your truth and pain openly and freely.
Psychologists have known for centuries that free speech is the pathway toward enlightenment and healing. Therefore, it’s crucial that during the process of forgiveness you either speak your pain out loud to the person who caused it, or you find a friend or professional to talk to about the pain you’re in. Speaking freely about your pain will allow you to untangle the web of chaos you’ve found yourself trapped in and allow feelings of resentment to burn off like deadwood.
Speak your forgiveness out loud.
There might come a time when you find yourself at a crossroads with forgiveness. You want to forgive, and you know it’s the right choice to make, yet there is something within yourself that’s preventing you from taking the leap. When you’re ready, try looking into the mirror and speaking your forgiveness to your offender out loud; or openly declare to your offender that you are forgiving them. Speaking forgiveness out loud allows for your words to be bound with reality, keeping you from backpedaling on the promise you have made to forgive.
Allow yourself to flow through the stages of grief.
Grief and forgiveness go hand in hand in many cases. You might feel yourself moving towards forgiveness when suddenly deep seeded feelings of grief punch you in the gut when you least expect it… Honor those feelings. It’s ok to feel the loss of what you had, or what you thought would be. As you choose to move into the acceptance stage of grief, forgiveness will come alongside it and help clean up the broken pieces.
Meditate or pray.
There might be times when you feel lost or resistant on your journey toward forgiveness. When you begin to feel stuck, it may help for you to take a few moments to yourself to pray or meditate on what is keeping you stuck, or what the next step is for you to take. Be aware - You might not like the answer that your higher self gives you, or what it instructs you to do.
Allow the lessons from your hurt and betrayal to be revealed.
When we’ve been hurt by someone, often we want to push our feelings aside to preserve ourselves from feeling pain from our past. Wisdom comes from allowing ourselves to fully process the pain. Permitting our grief and anguish teaches us the powerful lessons we need to pursue our highest selves.
Above all else, choose love.
Forgiveness doesn’t come easy to most people, and it’s not difficult to see why. It’s an ever-evolving process that challenges our most primitive impulses to avoid pain and discomfort. Pushing us to show compassion to the people who have left us broken. Nevertheless, the journey toward forgiveness might be tumultuous, yet forgiveness offers us the opportunity to play an integral role in breaking endless cycles of hurt and vengeance within our society. Ultimately, it illuminates the pathways that lead us toward self-discovery, strength, courage, enlightenment, and inner harmony.